This is not a dog.
You can’t convince me otherwise.
This is an epic creature, born of the mind of a Frankengenius. He was designed to keep my husband entertained. The Hubbs named him Tonka, which translates roughly as “Durable Plaything” and that about sums it up. Of course, he arrived here at the age of 18 months, not knowing any rules of Dog and Human Interaction. Nor did he know how to play. He had to be taught.
This is a dog.
Cute, right? She’s house trained, fetches, eats bones, digs, gets disgustingly dirty, asks to have her tummy rubbed, tries to kill squirrels and barks when needful. That’s what pet dogs are for. We call her ‘Molly’ after the character of Molly Weasley in Harry Potter. As she is The Best Dog I’ve Ever Had, I named myself after her.
The Frankencreature arrived, and a mere number of weeks later, Molly looked like this:
Sad. Yes, that’s right. Tonka arrived and Molly aged 100 years in the period of a month. Or, at least, she wants everybody to think so, because a seven-year-old dog with a new baby brother just has to get a little sympathy.
Tonka wanted to be her best pal. He housetrained in one day, as he wanted to be called Good Dog again. The only trouble: he does not know what a dog is, because he’s not a dog.
I think he’s mostly pig. That’s one of his nicknames. Pig.
You can see the resemblance, non? Pig inhales food like there will never be food placed before him again. He snorts, he farts, he rarely barks but he grunts to ‘talk’, he has cute piggy ears and practically no tail.
Then again, part of him is definitely a goat. The stomach part.
The resemblance is obvious.
Dr. Frankengenius was wickedly brilliant to combine animals from the same colour family to create Pig. Uh, Tonka. He has very sure feet, and can hop over a three foot high gate without any running room. He just levitates straight up. See? Goat. Since his arrival in mid-October, Tonka has devoured the following: one set of metal grommets from a girl’s pair of boots; one of said boots, one leather jacket, zipper included; three pillows, four towels and a thermal blanket. Of course, not knowing he was meant to be a dog, he refused to touch rawhides, chew bones, and various treats suitable for cleaning his teeth.
Which brings us to the next part of his diabolically-assembled anatomy:
Tonka is scared of humans, dogs, cats, squirrels, wind, fog, rain, snow, paper, the dark, grass… You name it, it scares him.
In the effort to preserve his life, Tonka has learned to share his teeth. If the human waggles that terrifying hand in defiance of this clear indication of Tonka panic, the human risks losing said fingers. We are trying to teach Tonka that hands are kind.
Tonka only learned to chew food after Molly taught him. He habitually swallowed it whole. And look at those bulgy croc’ eyes!
Now, you might think I’d choose a picture of a chicken because he is chicken. But. If you think chickens are chicken, you’ve never met one. A chicken will happily chase you, climb you and peck you to death.
Tonka the pseudo-dog will chase you and pretend he’s going to kill you, but if you turn around and blow him a raspberry, he pees his pants. Literally. The only part of him that is chicken-like is his almost nonexistent butt.
Of course, he also looks like the cousin to a Thestral. If you don’t know what a Thestral is, you need to go read Harry Potter. Now.
Aw, he’s cute, isn’t he? I have every hope that with a lot of TLC, he’s going to be a great dog. He’s really never had the chance before to learn how to be one. And now, he does.
Look at this face! What’s not to love?
And my daughter’s guinea pig (a.k.a. my grandpig) is feeling left out, so it’s time I added him to this page. We had two, but one passed away recently. I love guinea pigs. So even if my kid moves out (sob) and takes him with her (sob) I’m still claiming him. He’ll always be my grandpig.
Haytham (yes, my daughter is an Assassin’s Creed fan, and he’s probably named after someone horrible) is a 3 year old Abyssinian. He is the sweetest baby you can imagine. Oh, and he happens to think Molly is his mother. Molly tolerates him, but wishes me to make it clear that she is not the mother of this puppy. It’s a very weird puppy and she won’t claim him.
Tonka is only allowed near Haytham when he’s stoned on his anti-anxiety meds. Otherwise, he is far too interested in the wee beastie. We never leave them unattended, anyway.
If you’re considering pet adoption, I’d love to chat about it. Dogs and cats need forever homes. And don’t forget the guinea pigs! Please, rather than buying a guinea pig in a store, pick one up from a guinea pig rescue. There are more guinea pigs in rescue shelters than there are homes for guinea pigs. That’s where we got ours and they’ve been a joy. But they’re a fairly high maintenance pet so ensure you have the dedication to take care of one for 5-10 years.
Have you adopted a pet? Is it a treasured family member? I’d love to hear about it.