DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A ROAST. NO DEBRA ANASTASIAS WILL BE HARMED IN THIS REVIEW (ALTHOUGH SPANKING HER IS A TEMPTING IDEA).
SEE? DEB’S ALREADY BROUGHT ME TO SWEARING ON SOCIAL MEDIA. OKAY, LET’S GET ON WITH THE SPANKING.
I KNOW I COULD USE SOME THERAPY RIGHT NOW!!! AND SOME ANTIBIOTICS. I THINK THIS BOOK GAVE ME AN INFECTION. I SHOULD BE AT A CLINIC RIGHT NOW. I REALLY SHOULD. CAN I GET DISABILITY FOR THIS? BOOK TRAUMA. SERIOUSLY.
Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell temporary pharmacist at the counter.
Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her UTI meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud. Like he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Due to Johnson’s sexy face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove finds herself stupidly asking for a vagina-scented cream in her waking nightmare.
She falls for him, how could she not? The only active goal Dove has now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. Johnson’s horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing that fabulous reality from taking shape. When Dove defends Johnson in the most disgusting way in the center of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is of to a galloping, farting start.
Each print copy of this book will be dipped in Holy Water by my mom and glared at with pursed lips by my father. Neither thing will help. Slap on your rubber gloves, turn to the left and cough. It’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.
Fire Down Below is book 1 in the Gynazule Series.
(A trip to the pharmacy)
Mr. Fitzwell squinted as if he could turn her volume up by making his eyes smaller. “I’m not sure. Are you allergic to any types of VAGINAL medicines?”
Dove’s mouth started talking before her head could shut her up, “Uh…I need to use very gentle soaps because I have sensitive… parts.” Her voice was getting higher and higher.
Mr. Fitzwell looked as professional as a brain surgeon. He clearly wanted her to have the correct information. There were definitely stifled chuckles behind her now. Dove was pretty sure her ass was blushing as well. The crack was sweating all on its own, like it was on a super high diving board about to jump.
“Ok, Ms. Glitch GYNAZULE is not a soap. It will not work if you put it in and then rinse it off in the shower.” He began patting the prescription paper to emphasize his words.
Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter cream. Please world end. Kill me.
“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Fitzwell had never stepped foot in bath and lotion store and wanted to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Candy shower gel, foamed up his nether regions and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Dove crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.
Mr. Fitzwell seemed concerned. “Okay, just a heads up. It’s definitely not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a ‘V’ with his two hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.
Dove covered her eyes and tried to defend herself, because now she heard the sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.
Dove’s mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. “I don’t put weird things down… there. Just make sure that the cream’s vagina-scented. Just plain. For vaginas.” She kept her eyes on the counter.
Stop saying “vagina” you screaming asshole.
DEAR. GOD. HELP ME. JOHNSON FITZWELL. “JOHNSON. FITS. WELL.” REALLY, DEBRA? *pinches bridge of nose and fights off screaming headache*
THAT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING. IT GETS WORSE. MUCH WORSE.
I PROMOTE DEBRA. GOD? I AM IN TROUBLE. THIS WOMAN IS BRINGING DOWN THE TON.
HOW WILL I EVER LIVE THIS DOWN?
Dove Glitch is the most waffle-minded heroine I’ve ever read. She has no gumption for real life success, she posts slutty tweets to Twitter under a pen name and chats up strange men for fun, and she has very little in the way of respectable aspirations. She runs a merry-go-round for Pete’s sake. There really is a Twitter account and she has 349 followers. I have 729 followers. How unjust. Proves that some men are thinking with the wrong head!
If this is not bad enough, Dove develops a crush on Johnson Fitzwell, the most boring Leading Male Character ever constructed. He’s nice. And bland. BORING!!! Plus, he understands no social cues and broadcasts the pharmacy customers’ dirty health secrets in his BOOMING voice for all to hear. *shudders* And the blighter has 450 followers on Twitter. *screams!!!*
His rival for Dove’s affections is a farting exhibitionist named Duke. He is disgusting. And by the end of the book, I liked him better than Johnson. That should tell you plenty!
Not only did Debra Anastasia write this book, she inserted herself and her husband as CHARACTERS. Imagine my horror: the Anastasias are pussycat-thieving porn poseurs. Did she have her husband’s permission for this? They steal other people’s cats!!!
And WORSE, she stole two characters from a mutual author friend.
Debra, if you let him hump TK and knock her up, I’m gonna go postal all over your ass.